Where I've Been & Where I'm Going

On my counter there sits a 14 page packet of stapled papers. On the cover page it reads:

________________, Plaintiff,

vs.

________________, Defendant,

Stipulation And Order (Partial Parenting Plan) Memorandum of Understanding


Yes. After 12 years of marriage, after 15 years of being together, and 17 years of friendship, Matt & I are going our separate ways. It's been a long difficult road - through the marriage and through this process of deciding to divorce. It's too difficult to get into the details of this breakup, what has happened over the last 6 years to lead me to this point, what has happened in the last 6 months to make Matt see that he too is unhappy. There's not been a major catastrophe or event that suddenly pushed us apart, it's been years of slowly drifting and not caring to fix it.

Lines of communication are absolutely shut down now and the only thing we find ourselves able to talk about are the details of what we're about to do. Tonight we'll go over this partial-parenting agreement, deciding who gets Andrew on "even year" Christmases and "odd year" Thanksgivings. How will we handle birthdays? Family birthdays? School vacations? I'm overwhelmed as I flip through this document, feeling myself frantic as I think about years into the future - when Andrew is a teenager will he still like us both equally? Will he resent us for this choice? Wouldn't he resent us more if we brought him up in a loveless household, though?

So I can't look too far ahead through this document. I have to go one page at a time. Besides, I don't know if I'm the plaintiff or defendant at this point, I can't even fill in the first empty spaces much less think about Summer Vacation 2014.

In the span of 6 months, this marriage has deteriorated from "tolerable" to "alienation", and in the last 2 months I haven't even been able to get undressed in the same room as Matt. We've been sharing a bed, but not as a married couple - we've only been sharing a bed for the last week (we decided on the divorce last weekend) because the guest room is so messy at the moment that no one can even get to the bed! Today, I have spent 2 hours in there clearing out our stuff, throwing away reminders of apathetic attempts at appearing to be a happy couple, and now the bed is uncovered and tonight Matt will sleep in there for the first time.

We can't afford to live separately just yet, but soon Andrew & I will move in with my parents and Matt will most likely move in with a bachelor friend of his. Then we have to start dividing up our possession & furniture. We have too much stuff. And if it were up to me, I'd take a few things I really truly care about like my grandmother's silverware, my hope chest filled with my great grandmother's quilts & the American flag that had been draped over my grandfather's casket, my music, my instruments, my clothes, and walk out the door, leaving Matt to deal with the rest. But I know it isn't going to be that simple. Unfortunately.

In a few minutes, I have to go through Andrew's bedroom - sifting through 3 years of toys I haven't had the patience to cull yet. One bag for Goodwill, one bag of garbage. Star Wars toys, Thomas the Tank Engine & Legos all stay, but everything else? If he doesn't see me doing this, then I can be objective about it, and if *I* don't let emotion get in the way, then this might be easier.

In the 4 days since I started telling my friends about the divorce, I have discovered who my true friends are. Quite a few have hit the road - I'm assuming never to be heard from again. My supposed "best friend" is one of them. After telling me exactly what they thought of me this morning (a combination of the worst things I already think about myself and the things I hope no one else ever thinks about me) they have basically erased me from their life. Even logging into Gmail they have set their status to "invisible" and I've been dropped from their Facebook friends list. In fact, the realization that they have basically wiped me from their life still hasn't struck me yet. My prediction is that it will hit me in the middle of the night when I won't be able to cry out loud or breathe.

Other friends have criticized me for "staying so long" (I'm speaking of those who know the full story, of course) and others who are criticizing me for "giving up so soon" and the wild bunch in the middle who say both statements to me in one breath!

My head is spinning, but judging by the new relaxed atmosphere in this house between Matt & myself, I know we've made the right choice. We can't force the other to fall back in love, we can't pretend just for Andrew's sake, that's not fair to him. We've made our mistakes, we've given this our best shot, but it didn't work.

Matt & I have already agreed that we won't sabotage each others right to happiness and good careers - both of us embarking on new careers: he in culinary and me in LA - and that we will always remain friends so that Andrew can see a healthy friendship between us. I hope that someday (maybe soon!) Matt meets someone who does for him what I was never able to do: inspire him to be a better person. I inspired nothing in him, he says he loved me more than anyone in the world, but actions speak louder than words and I have never felt like #1 to him. I'll bet he never felt like #1 to me either, but I've never pretended he was.

I'm looking at being alone as I move to LA, though Matt wants to move there, too, so at least he'll be close by for Andrew. As my friends slowly disappear from my life now, I've at least been able to see who my true friends are and know that I will be surrounded by people who truly care for me. I'm not looking for people to take "my side" in this, because the details of this break up don't really lend themselves to "he said/she said" bullshit.

I miss my best friend already. I don't know how I'm going to get through this next phase of my life without them - if this friendship is truly over - and that thought just breaks my heart. I can't think about that right now - I am too busy living my life exactly like their parting words: "selfish"

Peaceable Kingdom: The Journey Home

Every once in a while I need some feel-good videos to watch:

Trailer for Peaceable Kingdom: The Journey Home from Tribe of Heart on Vimeo.

Arrest Made In Florida Cat Tortures & Killings

Grand Paradise Reports that a teenage boy has been arrested in the cat torture & killings in Miami, Florida.


Excerpts from the The Miami Herald report 6.14.09

--The teenager accused of mutilating more than a dozen cats in South Miami-Dade was not the reserved yet rabid killer some expected. He was a dog-loving class clown, a swim class instructor, an 18-year-old who grew up before the eyes of the four-legged victims' families.

--He appeared to be appalled by the horrific killings, and joined the Facebook group ``Catch the Cat Killer!'' Police, working with tips gathered from the community and reading his Facebook and MySpace pages, kept Weinman under surveillance for weeks.

--When it came time to take his mug shot, the clean-cut Weinman flashed a half-smile.

--Miami-Dade County Commissioner Katy Sorenson, who represents the area, called him ``twisted and depraved, somehow really not right as a human being.''

--Kathy Hernandez, who has known Weinman since he attended Southwood Middle School, described him as a caring and sweet boy who often played with his dog. She said she thinks they have the wrong guy.

--Sunday morning, Barbara Wiesinger of Cutler Bay learned that the teen who lived so close to her was accused of butchering her cat. Wiesinger's calico cat, Cami, is believed to be among the early victims. Found in a neighbor's yard on May 13, her eyes had been gouged out and her snout cut off.

--Marie Akers of Cutler Bay, whose oldest daughter found the first two mutilated cats, said the neighborhood once again is safe for pets and families alike. ''Your kids can actually go outside,'' said Akers, whose cat was unharmed.

Reports on Disturbing Cat Killings in Florida

The more I read about the cat killings in Miami-Dade County, the more thankful I am that my cat is and always has been an indoor ONLY kitty.



For those following these events, or those who are just finding out about it, here's a sampling of reports coming out of Florida in the last month:


May 26, 2009:

MIAMI-DADE COUNTY - Police are working around the clock trying to find who is reponsible for the killing and mutilation of more than two dozen cats in southwest Miami-Dade County, according to local media reports.

Another dead cat was found in Palmetto Bay on Monday, and this time part of the animal was skinned and mutilated, WSVN reported.

The latest discovery brings the number of cats killed during the past few weeks in Palmetto Bay and Cutler Bay to 25, according to Miami-Dade police.

Officials are warning area pet owners to keep their animals indoors.

Continue reading...

June 5, 2009:

LAUDERHILL - The reward money today rose to more than $12,000 for the capture of whatever or whoever has been killing dozens of cats in South Florida over the past three weeks and leaving carcasses for their owners to find.

"I hope it helps somebody decide to do the right thing and turn whoever has done this in, so that this can stop," said Sharon Jacobson, founder of The Clydey Foundation Inc., a South Florida nonprofit group that said it would contribute $5,000 today.

The organization funds medical care for pets whose owners cannot afford it.

Authorities in Miami-Dade County and Lauderhill say it's too early to tell who is killing the cats. However, experts said such killings generally are done by foxes or raccoons. In extreme cases, people sometimes engage in animal cruelty that could escalate into attacks on humans.

Continue reading & watch a news report...

June 10, 2009:

MIAMI (AP) - The black cat's body was found in the grass, just feet from the hedges where she slept each day.

Miss Kitty was still warm to the touch when the South Florida couple who cared for her found her in the yard next door. Her head was smashed and her back legs skinned, like pieces of chicken in a grocer's freezer. And she was not the only one to suffer such a fate.

Horrified owners have been finding their cats killed and mutilated for the past month in two south Miami-Dade County communities. Many of the cats were missing fur and appeared to have been cut with a sharp, straight instrument, police said. In all, investigators are looking into about two dozen deaths, with enough evidence to try to prosecute at least 15 of the cases.

"Every time I hear about someone else, I'm in their shoes and I see my cat again," said Mary Lou Shad, who fed and cared for Miss Kitty with her husband for the past year. Although the cat was feral, they considered her their pet.

Continue reading...

June 11, 2009:

MIAMI, Florida (CNN) -- He was black and white, the perfect gift for the 6-year-old daughter of Donna and Ronald Gleason. His name was Tommy.

The death and mutilation of Tommy the cat has been linked to a serial pet killer, say police in Miami, Florida.

The black and white tuxedo cat was one of a dozen pets that have been killed and mutilated recently by someone in the Miami area, police said.

On Thursday, the list of confirmed cat deaths and mutiliations grew to 19 pets, police said. They are looking into another 14 feline fatalities.

The Gleasons do not want their daughter's name to be published. Donna Gleason asked the child to leave the room before telling CNN the gruesome details of what happened to their cat.

Continue reading...

"Who Cares About Animal Rights?"

"Who Cares About Animal Rights?"
By Michael Twinn
Illustrated by Arlette Lavie


My son attends a 12-month school, which means that his 184 instructional days are spread out over 12 months instead of just the usual 9. Every 13 weeks, he gets a three week vacation. Before his latest "track break" began, his teacher pulled me aside. "Andrew tells me you're a vegan!" She thought it was cute that he thought so highly of my personal choices that he needed to tell his teacher!

Our conversation went on and she told me she had been vegan for many years but was now a vegetarian. She thought Andrew was at a great age to start learning about animal rights - he's still empathetic and innocent. She had several books she wanted to send him home with to read on his vacation!

One of the books was "Who Cares About Animal Rights?" Today, he wandered in to my room, page opened to a drawing of an English fox hunt. A stunned look on his face. "Mommy? What's that coming out of the fox's mouth?" Of course, this is an illustrated book, but the painted blood was enough to catch Andrew's interest.

We sat together & read the book cover to cover, discussing the issues brought up. Animal experimentation. Meat. Leather & fur. Slaughter. Zoos. Transport. Pets. His child's view of the situation also put the issues into perspective for me. It is that simple: animals deserve to be treated nice.

One interesting thing I noticed while we were reading was that even if he'd never come in contact with animals depicted in the book (i.e. he hasn't really been in close contact with farm animals since we've moved to Vegas) he had the ability to place our cat in to the situation instead. "What if Dusty were in that cage? I'd be so sad."

So, what if more adults thought the same?

Anyone wanting to introduce their children to animal rights without scaring them, I highly recommend this book. We have another book here, but it has photos & I'll admit I'm a little hesitant to show Andrew just yet.

Thanks to Andrew's teacher for taking the issue seriously.

The Vegas Vegan is on facebook!

Now you can join the facebook community of vegans & vegetarians who enjoy a good meal out on the town!

Swap recipes, restaurant reviews, and online resources for successful veg*n dining.

Living the life of an ethical vegan isn't difficult or scary when you're surrounded by supportive, like-minded people!!

Action Alert: Miama-Dade County, Florida

Humans are the intended victims of these crimes - children suffer immensely from this sort of violence. The cats suffer horrific deaths, but their families have to live with this heartbreak for the rest of their lives. Cruelty transcends species in these cases and affects everyone.


If you live in Florida and know who is doing this to these cats... please contact your local authorities! Pass the word along.

Authorities ask anyone with information to call Miami-Dade Crime Stoppers at 305-471-TIPS. Or they can call Miami-Dade Detective Dominick Columbro at 305-234-4237 or Miami-Dade Animal Services Investigator Fernando J. Casadevall Jr. at 305-884-1102, ext. 240.

You can read the full article here at: Grand Paradise